Chapter 11:11

You can't see through the hot bitter tears. You stray into oncoming traffic because you're lost in thought. The black ford behind you honks his horn. You jump to reality and kick yourself for getting lost. Again. The fry pies are burnt. It took an hour and a half longer than it should have and now you won't have time to make more caramel. Fall asleep in the breakroom. Awake with a jerk and now you're 5 minutes behind. The drive to church, clenching and unclenching fists. Determined to smile and connect with people. Because they want you. They miss you. And you miss them. Every where you go people want you. Love having you around. Miss you. But you never make it. You failed them again. No one knows what's going on and you can't tell them. All they know is that you're different and no one likes different. And honestly, you don't even know yourself. All you know is that you're tired. Completely and totally worn out. You've been fighting so long and ...

"If you want to continue, please read and accept the terms and conditions below."  What if pain came with terms and conditions? What if we got little notifications saying "warning, pain ahead. Please read terms and conditions before proceeding." Would you click "accept"? I wouldn't. It would be so much nicer to always be ok. To never have a reason to cry myself to sleep at night. Wouldn't everything be easier and better if we had the option to simply avoid it? Of course. I think we'd all agree.  I think we also agree that it's just not how the world works. The curse changed that forever. Pain enters our worlds with very little ceremony. It doesn't announce itself, and usually doesn't give us the opportunity to accept or reject the terms and conditions. Or does it?   I've often asked God to take me deeper and grow me for His glory. Several times adding "do what ever it takes." When we ask God to work in our hear...

May 1, 2020. That was my return date. 10:00 AM. That was take off time. May 1, 10:00 AM has me sitting at my desk in my classroom. Pachelbel's Canon is playing quietly. I'm not leaving any time soon. This morning had me deeply grateful I was sitting at the kitchen table eating eggs with my dear people instead of in an airport dealing with some serious emotions. At the same time there is a twinge of longing. Wishing life was stable. Wishing there was a solid plan that wouldn't be subject to change if the wind happened to be in the East. I feel like I've lost my vision. I can see directly in front of me, I know what to do this weekend. But next month? In three months? I have no idea what my life will be like. One of my greatest fears has always been loosing my eyesight. Without it I'd loose a great deal of my intuitive nature, on which I heavily rely. I use my eyes to read people. I use my eyes to communicate when I don't have words. I'd feel v...

Excitement. Fear. Determination. Uncertainty.   I woke up at 4:30 that morning. Wide awake. Into the car and down the motorway for an hour. Onto the clean white sand, and soon jogging down the surf with white spray misting my face. Who is this person? The one that’s awake early and running. Yes, running. I don’t run. Ever. Not for the joy of it anyway. I stopped running after that boy in 6th grade laughed and said I couldn’t run. I stopped doing many things back then.   Because Fear.   Fear of not being able to live up to who I wanted to be. Fear controls. It's an invisible paw, crippling and detrimental. It suffocates and exhausts. Living under, around, and in people, it takes complete control. It is able to dictate every area of a person's thoughts, emotions, and decisions. Nothing is too small or too large for it to wrap it's little vines tightly around the vulnerable, and never let go. Nothing is too dense, for it can seep through. In its mil...

n. a place from which ones strength of character is drawn. querencia Honestly, this post has been put off for days and days because I just simply cannot seem to put into words what's happening. I've started and stopped countless times. Begging my brain to put words to everything in my heart. Because my heart is overflowing. I told someone before I left for AU that I had a gut feeling God was going to use it to teach me something. There really is no way of being prepared to be taught something. My head almost doesn't know how to keep up with it. I've been given permission to rest. That's about the simplest way to say it. It sounds redundant. For the past year, I've been fighting. Fighting to keep my head above water, fighting to stay away from the status quo, fighting for peace, for restoration, fighting for my life. Through it all, Jesus was my strength and shield. Through it all, I was never once alone. Through every single hellish night, there was a po...

Since obviously one week in a country gives you authority to educate others who know nothing, about the country you know very little about. Cheers. (This is the part where you pull out your note book and begin to take notes.) I have slightly more authority than the ones that have been here only one week, given the fact that it has now been 12 days since my Asian flight line successfully touched down on Brisbane tarmac. Pro tip number one, fly a good asian airline for long haul flights... Asians are so clean even the lav's stay somewhat tidy. Another pro tip would be to select your seats beforehand. Other wise, you may end up being the unfortunate soul stuck in the middle seat, with one snoring Asian on one side, and on the other, one who found a way to slurp everything he put into his mouth. I'm pretty sure I elbowed one or the other a few times in my sleep. But I promise it was unintentional. One more flight tip is to moisturize. Yes, I am one of those girls who uses moi...

   I get gut feelings about things. Most times my gut knows what the plan should be. (Is that why so many woman are all hyper-gut health? aka Plexus?) Even I don't know where to take it from here. Anyway, them gut feelings, I've learned not to ignore em. 'cept that this time I wanted to. None of it really felt real. If it is real, woe is me. Because I'm not prepared. Yes, I am going to leave you in the dark and not tell you what my inside feeling is, because thats personal. But. That is where Isaiah 30 comes in. Isaiah 30:15, "In quietness and confidence shall be your strength." Hold the thought.   I just watched the new Little Women. I fell in love with the story all over again. I've always been rather partial to Josephine. I understand her. Her reckless and slightly aggressive pursuit of life, her inability to be all things cultured and refined, her desperate need to write... it's all rather familiar. But one particular attic scene really got m...