The One Thing Remaining
There’s been a multitude of things tumbling thru my head on low the past while. Mostly things about food and when I can eat again and being incredibly lonely. Like so lonely I cry a lot because there seems to be little else to do. It really isn’t anyone’s fault but my own so I’m not complaining. Just stating things the way they are. It’s not like I’m pinning away for my other home 24/7. It’s not like I’m miserable here. It’s more like I remember the girl who lived in NYC and I miss her. And people give me the hairy eye ball and say I need to just be the same girl here then. Well, it just doesn’t work that way and no one understands that and maybe that’s why I feel so lonely. It’s hard to explain why I feel so completely at home and happy when I see a Muslim family walking through the mall. How I follow them a little too closely just to be in the presence of a different nationality and hear then speak. It’s hard to explain how I still have to do double take in the grocery store when I see not one or two, but seven Mennonite ladies, from 7 different denominations in the checkout lines.
The most random things bring tears to my eyes. I notice people faces like I never did before. I see when their eyes are sparkles. I wonder what made them so. I see when people force a smile and I wonder why they are holding back tears. I was reading a book the other night and the Author mentioned “Lexington Ave” and I sobbed. Then I stopped because I felt like such a child. Because showing intense emotion is frowned on. Because we’re all supposed to be perfectly holy and placid. Wouldn’t it be nice if we were all safe enough to let our emotions be deeply felt. Anne Voscamp says “emotions are meant to be fully felt and then fully surrendered to the one who is able to fully care for us.” I’ve been working on that. Or trying to. Working on being ok with feeling deep emotion, and then getting up and drying your tears and smiling anyway. It’s ok to simply be a little messy. Or a lot. Like my writing. It’s all a little scattered. I write about real life and right now the real is very messy.
Deep in my gut is where the peace is. It’s where the rock solid, this is what I’ll cling to, I know it’s not going anywhere, assurance of something greater than me being in control. It’s that thing that keep you from crumbling. It’s that foundation that is so steady that even in the middle of some shattering and shaking there’s just that one thing that remains. Sometimes you don’t even realize it was there until you come through and realize there were hands holding you. There were prayers sent to the throne room on your behalf. There were little hugs and words and kindnesses. Behind it all was that one thing so much stronger and capable than you. That one thing that remains. That one thing, that without, you are capable of nothing.
Here is one of my favourite songs to end this hopeless rambling.
“My Hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
but wholly trust in Jesus name.
When darkness seems to veil his face
I rest in his unchanging Grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the vail.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.”
The most random things bring tears to my eyes. I notice people faces like I never did before. I see when their eyes are sparkles. I wonder what made them so. I see when people force a smile and I wonder why they are holding back tears. I was reading a book the other night and the Author mentioned “Lexington Ave” and I sobbed. Then I stopped because I felt like such a child. Because showing intense emotion is frowned on. Because we’re all supposed to be perfectly holy and placid. Wouldn’t it be nice if we were all safe enough to let our emotions be deeply felt. Anne Voscamp says “emotions are meant to be fully felt and then fully surrendered to the one who is able to fully care for us.” I’ve been working on that. Or trying to. Working on being ok with feeling deep emotion, and then getting up and drying your tears and smiling anyway. It’s ok to simply be a little messy. Or a lot. Like my writing. It’s all a little scattered. I write about real life and right now the real is very messy.
Deep in my gut is where the peace is. It’s where the rock solid, this is what I’ll cling to, I know it’s not going anywhere, assurance of something greater than me being in control. It’s that thing that keep you from crumbling. It’s that foundation that is so steady that even in the middle of some shattering and shaking there’s just that one thing that remains. Sometimes you don’t even realize it was there until you come through and realize there were hands holding you. There were prayers sent to the throne room on your behalf. There were little hugs and words and kindnesses. Behind it all was that one thing so much stronger and capable than you. That one thing that remains. That one thing, that without, you are capable of nothing.
Here is one of my favourite songs to end this hopeless rambling.
“My Hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
but wholly trust in Jesus name.
When darkness seems to veil his face
I rest in his unchanging Grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the vail.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.”
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