Chapter 11:12- Faithful God

"Redeeming every part of each day..." (taken from one of my favourite songs by Laura Story)
Seriously.
It hit me today, not like a ton of bricks, not like a wham in the face that catches you off guard, but more like a fog that suddenly disappeared and revealed a spectacular display. A scene you'd been told about, and imagined. Dreamed about, and prayed for, but never really thought you'd live to see. Until the moment you did.
That moment happened today. And left me rather speechless. It's easy to say that the promises of God never fail. It's easy to say that He never leaves you hanging. But somehow it's completely different when you really experience it. Somehow it comes alive when you look back and actually see how God was faithful, every, single, time.

 I'm seriously leaving New York City now. I have less than 72 hours left before I fly higher than the skyscrapers, and leave this city that has become my home. This last week was rough, to put it nicely. Hopelessness, fatigue, drowning my troubles in waffles and peanut butter, the list was endless. I cried so many tears about going home. Fought so much anxiety, paced up and down 54th St., and honestly had to fight to keep from giving up.

Remember at the beginning when I said I didn't know the girl going to NYC, I knew I wouldn't recognize the girl coming home? Well, I don't recognize her. She's different. She's allowed a whole lot of really hard stuff to soften her heart and draw her closer to Jesus. Far far far from who she wishes she was, but the cool thing is that she's not done being worked on. That's one of the best things about sanctification. It's never really over. And today I finally realized that. (again.)

I've had an  image in my head of who I need to be, what I need to look like, and what I need to do; and until I reach that goal I'm basically a failure. Which is really bad for me, since I haven't been able to attain. Therefore, I've gone through the last two months expecting to come out on the other side with all my expected transformations and goals reached, only to find that none of them really happened. Hence, bouts of mild depression, binge eating waffles, and asking God "what's the point?"

Oh that our eyes would always be open to the sovereignty of God, and our utter helplessness. I was so focused on what I thought I needed to be, that I failed to recognise what God had done. I hate how self focused I become so quickly.

What we think we need to be; every good thing we strive to become, it is utter foolishness. Our lives will amount to a grand total of nothing unless Jesus is our ultimate desire. And His ways are SOOO much higher than our ways. So it's only natural that when we think something sounds normal or accomplishable, the chances are high that it's our way, not God's way. Think about that next time something looks impossible.

I am smiling again. I am happy again. Wanna know why?
It's because God is so good I can't even keep it inside, it's just spilling over the top.
Is life perfect now? Am I excited to go home? Will I always remember this on the hard days? No. I'm still a human. I'm not claiming to be anywhere near perfect. What I am bragging about is my God. My KING who is worthy of every praise, every life, every breathe, and every song I'll ever sing.
So that's where it's at folks. Scattered with a chance of random. Being hyper about Jesus. The usual.

Because that's all that really matters anyway and I get so extremely excited every time I think about it.  Wow.








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