Chapter 11:12- Everything's all a Muddle
I said this was going to be a rendition of my journey though New York, not some travel journal with food reviews. Kind of regret that honestly, cause it's so much easier to write about Halal carts or curry. I don't want to think about, much less write about the fact that LTO ended almost a week ago, and that in a little over two weeks I have to go back to Ontario. But LTO ended. It didn't feel like the last time I was walking home from class. It didn't feel real that the past 6 weeks of classes were over. The people I got to smile at every morning were suddenly not a part of my day at all anymore. The banquet was fun, we all cleaned up decently. Even the teary goodbyes didn't feel real. These people were my family.
I moved into Eric and Kate's apartment. White walls and green things and healthy food. Good people to debrief with. Good books to read. And yet there's that uncomfortable thing in the back of my head telling me to stop lying to myself. There's that thing that's screaming at me to deal with it before it overtakes me. Crashing and Burning. That's what it feels like. No longer controlled by the things of the past, and yet somehow the future looks as daunting and petrifying as before. Two and a half weeks from now I will be back in Ontario. The very thought makes me shiver. Back to real life. Back to the girl I was before I left.
How many times do we shrink from the unknown future because we are scared of the past. Scared of history repeating itself. Fight or flight mode. Run from the things that harmed you, find somewhere safe, and then absolutely stay there. But that's just not real life. Real life sucks raw eggs sometimes. Sometimes things happen that were never meant to happen. And yes, some times our future is effected by history. But the past doesn't decide the future.
So maybe I don't have to go back and be the same girl I was before I came. Maybe I can go back, and live intentionally enough and boldly enough and brave enough to live out what I've learned. Maybe going home and reintegrating myself into normal society, while fighting the status quo will inspire other people.
Ha.
I wonder how many times a day God face palms at how my brain works. That uncomfortable thing in the back of my head telling me to stop lying to myself, it actually knows what it's talking about. See I've tried doing things on my own already. I've tried being brave and faking till I make it. I've actually gotten pretty good at it too. But it never works long term. Because God has this way of kindly but firmly taking away every single excuse, wall, curtain, and façade, and leaving you with no option except Jesus. And the crazy thing is, Jesus turns out to be the most healing wonderful and best option out there.
So can I go home and be different? Nope. Of my own strength I promise I will be an emotional mess, huddled up in my closet, stress eating and grouchy, attitude sour enough to curdle milk, and no desire to change. To be honest, it kind of sounds comforting. But oh the mess we put ourselves in when we chose control. It just doesn't pay.
The alternative? Well, here is where words falter, and I don't really know what to say. Because it can't be written in a catch all formula. I mean reading your Bible and praying more are the basics. Anyone can skim over several chapters of Psalms and still feel blah. You can pray a quick sentence or two, say an Amen at the end, and call it a day. But getting to the real, getting to the deep down ugly issues in life and becoming whole requires more than an almost attempt at seeking God. You gotta get down on your knees, in the gutter, heart wrenching honesty, and you gotta let God do His thing. It won't be the same every time. It won't be the same for every person. But the front and center of every single thing we attempt to be needs to be Jesus Christ. Otherwise the crashing and burning happens. And we stress eat in our closets and bite people. And no one enjoys that very much.
So I don't know. This is just another one of the posts I never wanted to write because it's not some glorious rendition of adventures and daring escapades in the City. It's just the hard heart stuff that no one likes to read about. But I guess the hard heart stuff is some of the most important. And I'm of the opinion that the world could use a whole lot more honesty about these things. All the whole foods, essential oils, Bible reading, and good life living in the world couldn't help you if it wasn't for Jesus. So I'm still trying to figure out why we live life as though those things did. Don't stone me for the Bible reading thing. I'm serious, some of us believe we can have a relationship with Jesus by reading our verse of the day or 1 minute devotional every morning and that's all it will take. Some time we will have to realize we can't live radical lives without being radical in our pursuit of Jesus. But anyway. That's another post for a later date.
I'm gonna go make scones and tea.
How many times do we shrink from the unknown future because we are scared of the past. Scared of history repeating itself. Fight or flight mode. Run from the things that harmed you, find somewhere safe, and then absolutely stay there. But that's just not real life. Real life sucks raw eggs sometimes. Sometimes things happen that were never meant to happen. And yes, some times our future is effected by history. But the past doesn't decide the future.
So maybe I don't have to go back and be the same girl I was before I came. Maybe I can go back, and live intentionally enough and boldly enough and brave enough to live out what I've learned. Maybe going home and reintegrating myself into normal society, while fighting the status quo will inspire other people.
Ha.
I wonder how many times a day God face palms at how my brain works. That uncomfortable thing in the back of my head telling me to stop lying to myself, it actually knows what it's talking about. See I've tried doing things on my own already. I've tried being brave and faking till I make it. I've actually gotten pretty good at it too. But it never works long term. Because God has this way of kindly but firmly taking away every single excuse, wall, curtain, and façade, and leaving you with no option except Jesus. And the crazy thing is, Jesus turns out to be the most healing wonderful and best option out there.
So can I go home and be different? Nope. Of my own strength I promise I will be an emotional mess, huddled up in my closet, stress eating and grouchy, attitude sour enough to curdle milk, and no desire to change. To be honest, it kind of sounds comforting. But oh the mess we put ourselves in when we chose control. It just doesn't pay.
The alternative? Well, here is where words falter, and I don't really know what to say. Because it can't be written in a catch all formula. I mean reading your Bible and praying more are the basics. Anyone can skim over several chapters of Psalms and still feel blah. You can pray a quick sentence or two, say an Amen at the end, and call it a day. But getting to the real, getting to the deep down ugly issues in life and becoming whole requires more than an almost attempt at seeking God. You gotta get down on your knees, in the gutter, heart wrenching honesty, and you gotta let God do His thing. It won't be the same every time. It won't be the same for every person. But the front and center of every single thing we attempt to be needs to be Jesus Christ. Otherwise the crashing and burning happens. And we stress eat in our closets and bite people. And no one enjoys that very much.
So I don't know. This is just another one of the posts I never wanted to write because it's not some glorious rendition of adventures and daring escapades in the City. It's just the hard heart stuff that no one likes to read about. But I guess the hard heart stuff is some of the most important. And I'm of the opinion that the world could use a whole lot more honesty about these things. All the whole foods, essential oils, Bible reading, and good life living in the world couldn't help you if it wasn't for Jesus. So I'm still trying to figure out why we live life as though those things did. Don't stone me for the Bible reading thing. I'm serious, some of us believe we can have a relationship with Jesus by reading our verse of the day or 1 minute devotional every morning and that's all it will take. Some time we will have to realize we can't live radical lives without being radical in our pursuit of Jesus. But anyway. That's another post for a later date.
I'm gonna go make scones and tea.
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