The Mountain

Cañon City? Cool name. 

Colorado? Who doesn’t want 15 degrees and sun? 

Yeah I didn’t know what to expect. Sure, we fly to the west with our group of crazies and do some clothes sorting. See some cool mountains. That’ll be fun. 

Three months ago something happened that nearly ended my life. Life as I knew it anyway. I shut down. Panic attacks, eating disorders, anxiety, self harm. The light in my eyes disappeared and I stopped smiling. It wasn’t that I wanted to give up. But the mountain was too high. I was running out of oxygen and my heart was starting to slow down. I remember nights where I tossed and turned all night, cried till I had such a bad headache I would beat my head against the wall because it helped relieve pressure. Nights where I’d curl up on the bathroom floor, unable to breathe, stuffing my blanket in my mouth to keep from screaming. Three months later, I stood at the edge of that mountain. And I look down and saw where I came from. Everything looks so small from this height. The nights spent waking up in a cold sweat from nightmares. The days where I had to bite my lip till it bled at work to keep the panic from rising in my chest. The times when I missed social events because the stress was too much and everyone wondered what my problem was. But it was all different now. From this viewpoint I saw so much of the story that I couldn’t see before. My prayer of “Heal me, Jesus” rang in my ears. And here I was, in Colorado of all places, and I climbed my mountain. The wind was shredding my hair, the sun shone on the tears streaming down my face. I prayed for this day for so long. The day when I could look at the sun, at the top of my mountain, and say “thank you Jesus, for healing.” The beauty was breathtaking, a tear fell off my cheek and dropped hundreds of feet to the river below, catching sunlight as it went. And all I could think was “Thank you Jesus.” 

For three horrible months I wondered when this would end. I begged God for the summit. The sun. But his timing and way was so much higher than mine. His works are wondrous. His plan perfect. In the thick of storm we can’t see anything. The view is blocked, the fog is thick and the sun doesn’t shine. But child, keep climbing. You will skin your knees, your lungs might gasp for oxygen, and you might nearly starve. But keep, climbing. Because, my dear, God has not forgotten you. He does care. The summit is closer than you imagine. You will break free of the clouds. The sun will shine on your tear stained face, and you will be healed. You will have climbed your mountain. 
It's easy for me to say these things once the battle is over. It's easy to write about things once you've come out the other side and know the whole story. But I'm not there. So here I am blundering thru another post I might not even post. When we left Colorado, my last memory was the sun setting on the mountains. We travelled all night, and you want to know what I saw first thing in the morning? The flat snow covered fields and chicken barns of Southern Ontario. My throat literally tightened. I had another horrible night. Nightmares and panic that gave me a headache that lasted most of the day today. I could get bitter. Angry. I could chose to dwell on the pain and let it tear me apart. But it is a choice. I climbed that mountain. I stood at the top and drank in the view. I let the healing happen. I can stay there, safe and happy. I could let myself stay blind to the rest of the story and just sit here. But the thing is, there will be more mountains to climb. Just because you got over one peak doesn't mean there aren't others. At the summit each view will be better than the last, enjoy your view, It’s God’s gift to you, but you can't stay there. 

So what's the point then? You nearly die climbing, finally reach the top, only to have to move on. Why do that to yourself? Because the God who walks with you on the top is the God who will walk with you up every other mountain you are asked to climb. He is the same God in the dark windy valley that He is on the summit. The only thing you are asked to do is climb.